December 2011
52 posts
head full of doubt/road full of promise.
i just realized my savings are somewhere around $3,000. i hadn’t looked in awhile out of dread, honestly. i figured that i had put a major drain on it, and would only have $1,000, at the most.
needless to say, this is a relief, because i have plans and have to pay for a lot of shit.
goals for 2012:
start classes at the end of this month. look into summer classes.
acquire no more large...
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“we must be willing to get rid of the life we planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. the old skin has to be shed before the new one can come.”
joseph campbell
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”The rate of AIDS infection is on the increase again. From the gay point of view, the reasons seem quite sensible. First, these men don’t really see a reason to live past their fifties. They are not married, they have no children, and their lives are centered on new sexual partners… because sex is the center of their lives, they want it to be as pleasurable as possible,...
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“I was not proud of what I had learned but I never doubted that it was worth...”
– Hunter S. Thompson (via rarararambles)
i have just spent the last half hour looking at pictures on the daily puppy. i am now in april. this is what i do when i have been drinking stuck at home.
i am such a bad ass.
who has begun drinking?
that’s right. this moi. christmas can eat it. this is an old school drinking situation - secretly going to my room to take shots and then come back out, trying to act normal and chewing gum. except in my really sad tomato days, i would listen to velvet underground loaded over and over again, drinking myself into a stupor.
luckily my phone is dead and i can’t...
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i have decided that i will go to that goddamn party only if jen is attending. i am not kidding - i will make up an illness to get out of that shit. i do not care if i promised rachel i would bring something.
jen is perhaps the best friend i’ve made there. sure, she may be over the top, loud and manic. but she is also funny and loyal, and i can be myself around her and relax. i know...
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“bob dylan said that, when he was young, he had a secret sense of his destiny. i wish i had something like that, but i didn’t. at all. all i had was an aching sense of desperation and an acute cluelessness - a nasty combination. i didn’t have any idea what the hell i was doing, and was only doing it out of not knowing what else to do.”
mark oliver everett
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“the books are there to remind us what asses and fools we are. they’re caesar’s praetorian guard, whispering as the parades roll down the avenue, “remember, caesar, thou art mortal.” most of us can’t rush around, talking to everyone, know all the cities of the world, we haven’t time, money or that many friends. the things you’re looking for,...
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“i have found it easier to identify with the characters who verge upon hysteria, who were frightened of life, who were desperate to reach out to another person. but these seemingly fragile people are the strong people really.”
tennessee williams
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just heard kings of leon closer on the radio. i listened to them a lot, a lot, a lot back in the day. some songs just triggers memories, and/or feelings.
part of me still kind of likes that song, even though it represents another odd time in my life. 2008-2009, i was involved with a guy struggling with a heroin addiction. he was a few months sober when i met him, and it didn’t come up...
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“the calcium in your bones came from a star. we are all made from recycled bits and pieces of the universe. this matters because origins matter. for example, if you were born to a reigning monarch but kidnapped by the black market baby underground shortly after birth and sent to america where you were raised by common, unremarkable people from ohio, and when you were in your...
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death and all of his friends.
i have an abundance of free time right now, and it can get me down a little bit. i like keeping busy - i am a naturally restless person with poor impulse control. being bored has often gotten me in trouble in the past.
i’ve been baking a lot. i like creating something that other people can enjoy. if it’s sitting around for too long, however, i will feel obligated to eat like, all of...
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“if you believe that feeling bad or worrying long enough will change a past or future event, then you are residing on another planet with a different reality system.”
william james
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“Individuals live in a society that provides them with ready-made patterns that...”
– Erich Fromm (via cultureofresistance)
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sometimes what you need ... is a nosebleed.
me: have a good christmas!
b: thanks, charlotte, you too. take care. i’ll see you soon.
there is something seriously wrong with me. i received his response maybe 5 minutes later, i read it and immediately started crying a little bit, mumbling to myself, “he doesn’t care at all. ‘see you soon’? he won’t see me for a month!! this is the kind of message you...
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“…i came to a sad conclusion about him. i said to myself: “if you allow yourself to love that man, you will be the unhappiest creature on this earth. with your temperament, you will expect some response whereas this man scarcely looks at you, talks of nothing but dolls, and pays more attention to any other woman than yourself. you are too proud to complain, therefore, attention,...
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we are nowhere and it's now
if you hate the taste of wine
why do you drink it till you’re blind?
and if you swear there’s no truth and who cares
how come you say it like you’re right?
why are you scared to dream of god
when it’s salvation that you want?
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if i represent the one who did this to you, then...
this is my maternal grandmother. to say she had a long-lasting negative impact on my mother would be the understatement of my time here on earth.
i knew her briefly as a child. i talked to her sister, my great-aunt, when my grandfather was dying in the hospital, and she actually told me that emma (gm) was not welcome in her house ever again, just as standard policy.
does she look horrible...
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young one, look at me, it's not your beast to...
i went to the party last night, and it was odd at best. i did take a shot before i went in to try and settle some of my twitchiness. it did not work that well.
rachel made me wear a santa hat, which i actually did not mind. i don’t take myself seriously, so why would i give a fuck? then that lauren girl came in. i don’t know about you, but if i don’t know someone, and they are...
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“when he told his humorous stories, henry whitney marveled, “he emerged from his cave of gloom and came back, like one awakened from sleep, to the world in which he lived, again.” his storytelling, speed believed, was, “necessary to his very existence - most men who have been great students such as he was in their hours of idleness have taken to the bottle, to cards or dice...
