it turns out that i am often an unreliable witness to the events unfolding in my life
"i suffer under the delusion that i understand it (the past). i have no idea what it is like to live in the present. i’ve never tried it. as for the future, good god, I would not know the future if it crawled in bed with me.”
let's not shit ourselves (to love and to be loved)
"ugh, the past. we left that place for a reason."
spring makes me nostalgic. april in particular.
i went out on my first date with the hippie in april. he was the first one to really break my heart.
i was crazy about him. i had never met anyone like him before. it’s funny that in the years that followed, i have met at least a half dozen people quite similar. proving he was not that unique, and the situation was definitely not unusual. but at the time, man, i lost my mind.
the first date was a sign of what was to come. he was late, i think, more than an hour. he was supposed to pick me up. i had it in my head that i was not going to call him, that i was just going home after a certain point. i just sat outside, chain-smoking. freaking out. he finally came - he had given blood that day and fallen asleep when he got home. he showed me his arm. the movie was odd and hard to follow, more so by him trying to cop a feel throughout the entire time. but i was seriously into him. it made my ears buzz. the night ended with him randomly making a throwaway comment about getting girls numbers, and then kissing me. clearly this was his way of telling me he wasn’t looking for anything serious. part of me knew then, that i was in trouble. and yet, that night kicked off a seriously fucked up relationship.
it went downhill from there. it took me a long time to get over it.
the funny thing is, looking back then, i mostly just see how miserable i was. i was in a weird state in life, hanging with the wrong people. i didn’t think i could do anything.
now i just see what i thought i knew then was wrong. i got myself out of some pretty shitty situations. i changed. i learned i was strong enough to change.
so now i just look back with sympathy for who that girl was. i’m not her anymore.
since this i've grown up some, different kind of fighter
does anyone else have sudden flashbacks? maybe it’s normal, maybe i’m touched in the head. but little things sometimes trigger random memories.
it plays in my mind, and it’s like i’m really just watching it happen again. like i could touch that moment if i just reached out my hand.
i think a lot of girls have/had a friend like my old friend anna. self-destructive, exciting, charming. at a certain time in your life, if you are like me, you are incredibly naive and vulnerable to the crazy folk. they seem to know something you don’t. they take you under their wing. you want to save them at the same time that you idolize and fear them. you get sucked in, and you will be changed.
anna eventually started using heroin. anna stole money from friends and family. anna forged prescriptions. anna lost her license from driving drunk more times than i can remember. anna ended up in jail.
i have no idea where she is now. i had to cut my losses and just let it go. i loved her, i looked up to her in this really odd way. she broke my heart. i cannot express how much it hurt me.
i didn’t have a really close girl friend before her. i was the dork, the loner. then she came along, thought i was funny and started me smoking. she encouraged me to go out with the boy with dreadlocks. she fell over laughing when i climbed out a window to escape a creepy boy who was waiting for me at work. the next day she yelled at him and told him to leave me alone - and he did. she listened to me when i talked about my home life and told me she considered me her sister. we briefly talked about living together. at one time, anna was my best friend.
i don’t think about her often anymore. it’s more likely that i remember the shitty times. but today out of nowhere, this moment in time came back. we were working at this fast food place. i had a crush on this guy who worked in the liquor store in the parking lot. anna and i would go over just to see if he was working. one day i was washing dishes in the back with an apron on.
anna came running back out of nowhere, hissing at me, “todd is up there! get the apron off! get it off! let’s go!” and she started clawing at the knotted apron strings frantically before i could react. we both were laughing as she made the knots tighter and struggled violently, hurting me in her efforts.
i look back at those times, and it’s like there is some part of myself from back then that is missing now. i used to wonder where it went. think maybe i would get it back.
maybe because i had some odd nightmarish dream where a huge wisdom tooth fell out of my mouth? i woke up absolutely exhausted. i could not keep my eyes open, and i kept thinking about it.
or maybe because my brother was stumbling around high first thing at fucking 7 a.m.?
the dark passenger, my old friend, depression, sometimes just shows up with little rhyme or reason. sometimes i think that i’ve finally shook it loose. the truth is, it’s always in the background of my mind. i wonder when it will overcome me again, even when i’m happy and relaxed. it’s been there since i was a child.
the only thing you can do is ride it out. trust that even though you can barely function today, tomorrow is different, and you will not feel exactly the same.
and i am posting this picture just because i have always loved batman and wanted to live in gotham city. i’d fucking love to be in a world where this was real.
“life moves on, whether we act as cowards or heroes. life has no other discipline to impose, if we would but realize it, then to accept life unquestioningly. everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny or denigrate or despise, serves to defeat us in the end. what seems nasty, painful, evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, if faced with an open mind. every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such.”
"desperation is the raw material of drastic change. only those that can leave behind everything they have ever believed in can hope to escape."
william s. burroughs
it’s almost 5 months since i quit smoking. i smoked for 8 years.
i wouldn’t say it’s the hardest thing i’ve had to do. i did it cold turkey. it was a miserable time, for sure, but i was done smoking. i guess i decided that i didn’t want to be that person anymore.
smoking and self-loathing went hand-in-hand for me. when i started, it was because i wanted to be cool, or at least seem cool. then i became addicted. i kept thinking, as my cough became more frequent, ‘this doesn’t make sense. i know it’s hurting me, but i keep doing it. i don’t even like it anymore. i’m embarrassed to be known as a smoker. why am i doing this?’
there was no good answer. so i threw my last pack away. i’ve heard that when you quit smoking, you have to go back to who you were before you started. i don’t know if that’s totally true, but it does make you see yourself differently.
i never thought i would be able to quit.
but i did, and now i don’t feel like such a piece of shit anymore. it’s great.