i’m against vulnerability. there, i said it. just maintain a respectable distance and we’ll all get along just fine.
in somewhat related news, the man who i was oddly attracted to a couple months ago came through yesterday. i don’t know what it is, because he’s older and balding, but also very intense. the last time he asked me my name and if i was going to be around for awhile, where i lived. i said i would be back, and then decided it was a horrible idea. this time i saw him, and he obviously remembered me. which is why i stayed in the back. he left a large tip. evan was confused and amazed.
"is it so terribly inconceivable to comprehend god with one’s senses? why does he hide in a cloud of half-promises and unseen miracles? how can we believe in the faithful when we lack faith? what will happen to us who want to believe, but can not? what about those who neither want to nor can believe? why can’t i kill god in me? why does he live on in me in a humiliating way - despite my wanting to evict him from my heart? why is he, despite all, a mocking reality i can’t be rid of?"
i had a meeting at work last night. it wasn’t too bad, but i was exhausted from waking up at 5:40 to go into work in the first place. i got to leave at 3 and then come back at 6.
in general, i don’t really like being around a group of girls that much. i can be friends and/or friendly them, but it seems like when there’s a gathering, there’s a lot of superficial oddness that makes my skin crawl. it’s fake. it’s either super enthusiasm/affection toward each other or cattiness. or ‘i’m so awesome, guess what?’
i don’t give a shit.
in any case, a bad storm rolled in, starting off with hail. it looked so dark and menacing that rachel gathered us in the hallway. we’ve all become terrified of tornadoes.
some of the girls wanted to wait around to giggle nervously and talk about how far they had to go to get home and use it as another opportunity to be silly.
i headed for the door the second rachel said we could go. i just thought, “nope.”
if i was going to be killed by a goddamn tornado, i wanted to be at home with my family like a normal person. not with a bunch of girls who were probably tweeting about the shit as the lights went out.
I think I was three or four. I was walking through our living room and I was nervous because my father was (probably high) listening to led zeppelin so loud, the speakers were making the floor vibrate. It felt strange, music pumping up through my feet.
so, i am in a place of acceptance now. it did crush me for a couple weeks, but i rallied. i’m fine.
it does still strike me once and awhile, what i’m missing. part of me wants that love and security, and it aches when i think i will never get it from him. maybe from someone else, if i’m lucky, but never from him.
just, whatever. i found an odd journal entry in my room from 2005, referencing the hippie. things had turned sour and i was getting desperate. it seems so stupid and sad looking back now.
i know i’ll look back at this time and wonder what the hell i was thinking. still, it’s a motherfucker.
"i’ve always had the analogy that people who are depressed are often funny in the same way that england is a seafaring nation because we’re an island; because you adapt to your circumstances, and if you’re miserable you’ve got to become funny to fucking keep afloat."
work was …odd the other day. i ran into this older man, somewhere in his fifties like my father, and he asked me what high school i graduated from. it turns out i went to school with his son, who i just vaguely remember. he was a cool kid. i was not. the man then tells me that he remembers me as a “little tyke”.
i drew a complete blank, because there is no way i remember this man at all in any way. i never hung out with his son, kellan. maybe he saw me at school functions, or some sports deal. it did strike me as strange that he would remember a child that he had no reason to remember. more than ten years later. maybe he was just being cutesy. i don’t know. it was borderline creepy. i told my father this story, and the first thing he said was, “huh. he didn’t try to touch you, did he?”
no. he did tell me he would get kellan to come up to see me. later after he had a few drinks, he told me he didn’t like his son’s girlfriend, but he would like me. it was awkward.
later that night i was counting money, turned my head for a couple minutes, and rachel absentmindedly put it into the drawer along with her own without a word. it took me a second to realize i was missing at least 400 dollars. i then proceeded to have a small panic attack. i kept retracing my steps, certain that i had finally lost my mind if i could misplace a wad of cash. thankfully eddy had an idea of what happened. the drawer still got fucked up. rachel and i had shots to soften the blow. i went home and stuffed myself with pizza.
i looked up kellan on facebook, just out of curiosity, and i almost died laughing. his father had told me he was getting his graduate degree.
he did not mention that his son is also an aspiring, unsigned rapper.
i guess what hit me the hardest was how alone i felt. more than anything, it just seemed to confirm that i am by myself. i never had him, not even close. and it pissed me off that he would make it seem like it was anything different.
i'm locked in tight, i'm out of range, i used to care, but things have changed.
so, since i can’t actually leave yet, as much as i’d like to, i’ve found the next best solution.
i will simply avoid him at all costs. not as a game, or a ploy for attention. that road leads only to self-destruction. this is self-preservation. i expect and want nothing from him. cutting my losses and moving on. i’m not in denial anymore. it will never happen.
i used to look forward to seeing him. the morning after i found out, i saw his car, and my heart started pounding so hard i thought i would vomit.
all i can do is stay away from him until it stops hurting. eventually i’ll ease up on it. but it will never be the same again. i’ll be coolly polite and courteous, and i will maintain distance. simply because in reality, i don’t trust myself.
just another fucking habit i have to give up.
(on the bright side, jen said she’d go get a tattoo with me! it’s been 6 months since i quit smoking, and then this bullshit hits. it seems like a good time to just do it. nike style. very tired. arggggh.)
i learn to cry for someone else, i can't get by on an odds and ends love that don't ever match up
i’m an idiot.
i imagine things, connections, where there are none. it hurts to admit it.
the very fact that this causes me so much pain makes me believe that i have to own this and face it. i can’t be in denial anymore.
i was wrong. he is now offically engaged.
he never felt anything for me. anything i thought i saw or felt was not real. i was kidding myself.
what can i do? i wanted to cry the second i heard about it. it was like a kick in the throat.
the only thing i can do now is move on. i can change. i know i have the strength to change. i don’t need him. i never did. he tried to put me in a position where it seemed like i could depend on him for something, that any of it meant anything.
but it was a lie. and of course, who doesn’t love a big fat fucking lie?