May 2011
35 posts
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“when you breathe, you inhale and you exhale, but every single time that you do that, you’re a little bit different then the one before.
we’re always changing.
and it’s important to know that there are some changes you can’t control, and there are others you can.”
half nelson
close every valve to your bleeding heart.
i’m against vulnerability. there, i said it. just maintain a respectable distance and we’ll all get along just fine.
in somewhat related news, the man who i was oddly attracted to a couple months ago came through yesterday. i don’t know what it is, because he’s older and balding, but also very intense. the last time he asked me my name and if i was going to be around...
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“is it so terribly inconceivable to comprehend god with one’s senses? why does he hide in a cloud of half-promises and unseen miracles? how can we believe in the faithful when we lack faith? what will happen to us who want to believe, but can not? what about those who neither want to nor can believe? why can’t i kill god in me? why does he live on in me in a humiliating way -...
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the tide that left and never came back
i had a meeting at work last night. it wasn’t too bad, but i was exhausted from waking up at 5:40 to go into work in the first place. i got to leave at 3 and then come back at 6.
in general, i don’t really like being around a group of girls that much. i can be friends and/or friendly them, but it seems like when there’s a gathering, there’s a lot of superficial oddness...
there is light. there is darkness. (i need to be...
tumblrbot asked: WHAT IS YOUR EARLIEST HUMAN MEMORY?
cracks in the pavement underneath my shoes
i care less and less about and less about you
no one else around to look at me
so i can look at my shadow as much as i please
all the kicks that i can’t compare to
making friends like they’re all supposed to you will never come close to how i feel
space around me where my soul can breathe
i’ve got body that my mind can...
so, i am in a place of acceptance now. it did crush me for a couple weeks, but i rallied. i’m fine.
it does still strike me once and awhile, what i’m missing. part of me wants that love and security, and it aches when i think i will never get it from him. maybe from someone else, if i’m lucky, but never from him.
just, whatever. i found an odd journal entry in my room from...
3 tags
explain my heart.
“i’ve always had the analogy that people who are depressed are often funny in the same way that england is a seafaring nation because we’re an island; because you adapt to your circumstances, and if you’re miserable you’ve got to become funny to fucking keep afloat.”
russell brand
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“damaged people are dangerous because they know they can survive..”
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work was …odd the other day. i ran into this older man, somewhere in his fifties like my father, and he asked me what high school i graduated from. it turns out i went to school with his son, who i just vaguely remember. he was a cool kid. i was not. the man then tells me that he remembers me as a “little tyke”.
????
i drew a complete blank, because there is no way i remember...
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you may be blue
“there is a time for departure even when there’s no certain place to go.”
tennessee williams
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i guess what hit me the hardest was how alone i felt. more than anything, it just seemed to confirm that i am by myself. i never had him, not even close. and it pissed me off that he would make it seem like it was anything different.
but i’ll be okay.
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i'm locked in tight, i'm out of range, i used to...
so, since i can’t actually leave yet, as much as i’d like to, i’ve found the next best solution.
i will simply avoid him at all costs. not as a game, or a ploy for attention. that road leads only to self-destruction. this is self-preservation. i expect and want nothing from him. cutting my losses and moving on. i’m not in denial anymore. it will never happen.
i used to...
and they were singing
“don’t do what you’ve wanted to
yeah, don’t destroy yourself
like those cowards do
and maybe the sun keeps coming up
because it has gotten used to you
and your constant need of proof.”
i learn to cry for someone else, i can't get by on...
i’m an idiot.
i imagine things, connections, where there are none. it hurts to admit it.
the very fact that this causes me so much pain makes me believe that i have to own this and face it. i can’t be in denial anymore.
i was wrong. he is now offically engaged.
he never felt anything for me. anything i thought i saw or felt was not real. i was kidding myself.
what can i do? i...
meditations in an emergency
now i am quietly waiting for
the catastrophe of my personality
to seem beautiful again,
and interesting, and modern.
the country is grey and
brown and white in trees,
snows and skies of laughter
always diminishing, less funny
not just darker, not just grey.
it may be the coldest day of
the year, what does he think of
that? i mean, what do i? and if i do,
perhaps i am myself again.
...
