i am a grown (?) woman who is afraid of a goddamn unfurnished basement.
when i was a kid, i got the idea in my head, probably from some shitty horror movie, that there were people living in our basement. they hid in the dark and waited for someone to come down alone, and then they would strike.
these weren’t ordinary people, either, like home invasion types who were looking to steal your things and beat you up a bit. these were more creature/monster types who would probably snatch you up and eat you if you were stupid enough to go down there by yourself. and if you happened to be fucked in the head enough to wander over to the unfurnished side (their home base), you deserved it.
i had nightmares based on these ideas. even during the day, i was hesitant to be down there alone. it felt like i was taunting them. i would only be there at night with someone else, and then only maybe until eight, tops. i would bolt for the stairs the second anyone went near a light switch.
of course i now realize there are no such thing as “basement people”. but earlier tonight i had to go over to the unfurnished side, and i realized that my heart picked up the pace quite a bit. i’d be lying if i said i didn’t stand completely still and strain my ears for any other breathing besides my own.
at this point in my life, i am terrified of what a psychologist would have to tell me.
"i’m not good at talking," naoko said. "haven’t been for the longest while. i start to say something and the wrong words come out. wrong or sometimes completely backward. i try to go back and correct it, but things get even more complicated and confused, so that i don’t even remember what i started to say in the first place. like i was split in two or something, one half chasing the other. and there’s this big pillar in the middle, and they go chasing each other around and around it. the other me always latches onto the right word and this me absolutely never catches up."
i think i’m developing a crush on that guy in the progressive commercial. you know, he has a mustache and he shows up randomly to tell you about car insurance and might buy you a full tank of gas out of nowhere?
i just realized this afternoon that he is cute. and that i have been watching too much television. but … i think he’ll be the next big thing.
i just looked it up, and apparently his name is john jenkinson. which is unfortunate.
“The future must no longer be determined by the past. I do not deny that the effects of the past are still with us. But I refuse to strengthen them by repeating them, to confer upon them an irremovability the equivalent of destiny, to confuse the biological and the cultural.”—Helene Cixous (via lucjanlocke)
"it’s almost as if you were frantically constructing another world while the world that you live in dissolves beneath your feet, and that your survival depends on completing this construction at least one second before the old habitation collapses."
i should never, ever, under any circumstances, be left alone in the same room as warm melted chocolate. i will eat it until i am nauseous and hating myself.
one time months ago, my sister made fudge brownies. they came from a box mix, and fully baked, resembled a warm pond of chocolate. i came home tired, took one look at this, and ate half the pan in about 15 minutes. i definitely thought i would throw up, and surely felt i deserved it. instead i remained bloated and sick for the next 5 hours.
i held back a little this time, but sweet lord. it was a mistake.
“Psychiatry taught me that you have to come up with your own version of neurotic happiness. I’m never going to be a normal person. No one changes, no one gets better – once you make friends with your neuroses you can plan a life.”—John Waters (via funeral)
Dr. Paul wants to eliminate the Dept. of Education. This means no student loans for underprivileged graduates, no grants, no other means of support for those who want to go to college. In essence, he basically thinks that if you don’t have the money to pay for an education,…
“Maybe. I don’t know how many years I’ll release.”—
Republican tax-dodger MITT ROMNEY, when asked if he “would follow (his) father’s example” in releasing up to 12 years worth of tax returns simultaneously, during the GOP debate in South Carolina. Several boos and catcalls from the audience followed.
so… came close to a car accident tonight. i do not like driving in the city at 6:30, goddamn it. people are erratic out here at best. the last time i checked, green light means “go”, not hover in the fucking intersection for no reason. i mean, he wasn’t turning, and there was no one in front of him.
also, got it together to start classes on the 30th. i’m looking to rent a used textbook - which is 88 dollars, compared to owning a brand new one that is $135.
i guess i’m not as upset about this as i was earlier today. almost dying gives you a little perspective.
"that was terrible ... and there was so little of it."
i just watched black swan. somehow i have a feeling that i will be having at least one nightmare tonight. i didn’t think it would scare me - but then again, once it started freaking me out, i continued watching. once again, confirming my masochistic tendencies.
i feel a little bad about friday night. looking back, i realize that i could have been a little more friendly in general instead of hiding behind jen. sure, it was a little fun seeing his facial expressions every time she decided to be the loudest person in the room. but i probably shouldn’t have walked away from him. it’s just… whatever.
lastly, my stomach is fucking killing me. i didn’t eat anything unusual today. i took some medicine and it’s doing nothing. maybe if i’m really lucky, it will bother me so much i won’t be able to sleep and then i won’t give my mind a chance to create any goddamn nightmares.
“I always get so overwhelmed trying to do everything perfectly. I can’t do a job and not put everything I have into it. I need to be the best employee, the best co-worker, the best whatever. I need everyone to like me and I just burn out bending over backward to make that happen. Having people be mad at me is my worst fear. I can’t stand it. There is this crazy fear I have of being rejected by anyone - even people I don’t really care about. It’s always better to leave them first, cut all ties, and disappear. They can’t hurt me that way - no one can.”—Tweak (via neveroldenough)
"the vine was different every day. some of the most terrible things that had happened to me in my life had happened in here. but like the others i kept coming back.
and with each step my heart broke for the person i would never find, the person who’d love me. and then i would remember i had a wife at home who loved me, or later that my wife had left me and i was terrified, or again later that i had a beautiful alcoholic girlfriend who would make me happy forever. but every time i entered the place there were veiled faces promising everything and then clarifying quickly into the dull, the usual, looking up at me and making the same mistake.”
you think i'll cry? i won't cry. my heart will break before i cry. i will go mad...
i came home early. i hated almost every second i was there. i became tipsy. i couldn’t deal.
life is some confusing bullshit. i don’t know anymore. i don’t understand anyone, least of all myself. what i think i actually want is wrong. it just wouldn’t work at all, in any sense. but acknowledging that does not make it easier.
just fuck it all. i’m tired of putting myself in odd situations where i don’t know or really understand what is expected or wanted/needed from me. i wish i could say i won’t be a part of it anymore, but it’s probably a lie.
it’s like i’m running from this sad inevitability.
(edited: i don’t want to talk about this forever. i don’t want to be one of those girls. i’ve been trying to keep everything that happened last night out of my mind, but when you suppress shit, things will randomly pop up and surprise you. for whatever reason last night, he made a big announcement referencing the past 2 years. maybe because i was drinking, i didn’t realize it, or really listen. but it sunk into the ol’ noodle anyway, and it hit me now. i don’t know how i feel about it, or understand the reasoning behind it either. i know he was drinking as well.
lastly, this was another party where people try their hand at inappropriate comments. someone will call me over, it will be small talk for awhile, then a creepy comment out of nowhere and i’m walking away, more baffled then anything.
did i leave with jen without saying much of anything to anyone? perhaps. i regret nothing.)
“I am afraid. I am not solid, but hollow. I do not know who I am, where I am going - and I am the one who has to decide the answers to these hideous questions.”—Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath (via tapingletters)
oh man, tomorrow night is going to be awkward at best. apparently that troy guy will be the “bartender”, plus eddy is coming. and it may snow a little bit.
i will not get drunk. i do not care what anyone says or how much shot pushing eddy tries to do. i have to get home. the only alternative would be staying overnight at mary’s house, and i’d prefer not to do that.
i do not “party” anymore, and i’ve never tried to be a drunk driver in my life. i like being social sometimes, but half the time it turns into a headache. i am sure i am the only person whining about this.
i already feel like i’ve hit my fifties. i just want to stay home all the time and relax.
(edited to add: he said we’re “going to party down”. i am in trouble.)
watching that odd scouted show on e!. i never considered myself pretty enough to be a model, i like cookies way too much, and i’m only 5’4”. still …
i’m a little bitter seeing this girl getting discovered while working at a sonic. i worked in fast food for 4 years as a teenager. i got hit on by randoms, and yelled at by people who hated pickles. but never had anyone offer me a million dollar contract. for anything.
i still remember my first week there. the only significant event was the random grease burns and that muscle guy named steve with the neck tattoos who grabbed my arm and pulled me around a corner to “talk to me for a second”. he was actually polite, other than the grabbing. i was so dumb/surprised, i gave him my phone number.
hilariously, he called later and i had a friend answer the phone with, “hi dad!”
he did not call back.
thanks for reminding me how far my life falls short, e!.