“Of all the ways we have found to hurt ourselves, the worst has been through love. We are always suffering because of someone who doesn’t love us, or someone who has left us, or someone who won’t leave us.”—Paulo Coelho (via larmoyante)
who closed at 11 last night, accidentally set off the alarm, miraculously remembered the code to turn it off, and then had to sit and wait for 10 minutes in fear and embarrassment to see if the cops were going to show up?
not me. i heard, from that sad person, the police did not come after all.
on an unrelated note, i could not sleep more than a couple hours last night.
“All I’d ever wanted was to forget. But even when I thought I had, pieces had kept emerging, like bits of wood floating up to the surface that only hint at the shipwreck below. Because that is what happens when you try to run from the past. It doesn’t just catch up: it overtakes, blotting out the future, the landscape, the very sky, until there is no path left except that which leads through it, the only one that can ever get you home.”—Sarah Dessen, Just Listen (via larmoyante)
“and i dealt with this years ago
i took a hammer to every memento
but image on image like beads on a rosary
pulled through my head as the music takes hold
and the sickener hits, i can work till i break
but i love the bones of you, that i will never escape.”—
“It was not the passion that was new to her, it was the yearning adoration. She knew she had always feared it, for it left her helpless; she feared it still, lest if she adored him too much, then she would lose herself, become effaced, and she did not want to be effaced, a slave, like a savage woman. She must not become a slave. She feared her adoration, yet she would not at once fight against it.”—D.H. Lawrence, Lady Chatterley’s Lover (via larmoyante)
i feel overwhelmed and frightened when i think about school. i’ll have to change my availability at work. it will take a chunk out of the money i’ve been saving. the cost of books will bite me in the ass too. plus, i’ll have another reason to complain about people.
but … the idea of serving drunk assholes the rest of my life is unbearable. i can’t do it.
also, on a completely unrelated note, i found betty’s address and i’m going to send her and gerry some flowers or something. i just have to fucking remember it - i don’t forget things because they’re unimportant, but because my mind is disaster. another example, my father’s birthday is this thursday.
To all the people reading the news and feeling sad and gross who are typing that they want to leave the planet, please don’t. Humans do awful things and fucked up things happen here, but giant vacuums, exploding stars and black holes are even more strange and violent. So if your heart hurts, do what you need to do today. Turn off the news, close your laptop, and find something small and interesting, like ants in a sidewalk crack or pictures of Brad Pitt’s penis.
“As I see it, you are living with something that you keep hidden deep inside. Something heavy. I felt it from the first time I met you. You have a strong gaze, as if you have made up your mind about something. To tell you the truth, I myself carry such things around inside. Heavy things. That is how I can see it in you.”—Haruki Murakami, 1Q84 (via larmoyante)
well, i don’t know but i’ve been told, you never slow down, you never grow old. i’m tired of screwin’ up, tired of goin’ down, tired of myself, tired of this town, oh my, my, oh hell yes - honey put on that party dress. buy me a drink, sing me a song, take me as i come cause i can’t stay long.
i am a big baby. i’m supposed to go practice the golf with olivia, jen and randy. i do not want to - like to the point where it actually makes me sad thinking about it.
and as it turns out, i’m just as bad and as awkward as i thought i would be. i have never been any good at any sport, and this experience brings back some hard core pre-teen traumatic public humiliation flashbacks.
“I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other.”—Mary Shelley, Frankenstein. (via riverran)
“I believe that theres is one story in the world, and only one… Humans are caught - in their lives, in their thoughts, in their hungers and ambitions, in their avarice and cruelty, and in their kindness and generosity too - in a net of good and evil… there is no other story.”—John Steinbeck, East of Eden (via creatingaquietmind)
bahaha. ryan apparently is telling people to bring swimsuits to this party tonight. seeing as how he did not tell me personally, i will act as though i do not even know he has a goddamn swimming pool.
seriously. getting half naked in front of people who i don’t really know that have been drinking is somewhere in my top 10 list of nightmarish social situations i will actively avoid for the rest of my life.
i’d rather melt.
*edited to add: it is now 8:05. i have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that not only will i not leave before 11, i will not sleep again tonight. alcohol gets me wired when i need to sleep. jesus take the wheel.
i have to be at work at 6 tomorrow…. so of course, i’m awake.
couldn’t sleep last night and had to get up at same time.
going to evan’s party tomorrow night, which means for sure no sleep.
why sleep when you can stress about 6 different things at the same time?